Perhaps the one thing that drives most people crazy is other people's behaviour. Examples range from locking a bike to the most inconvenient place so that it obstructs other pedestrians, driving a car to work with no other passengers despite knowing full well it increases traffic congestion and CO2 emission and staff resisting a new policy implementation despite assurances that it will boost productivity and profits.
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| Heather G, Defiance Image source |
It is extremely tempting in these circumstances to imagine that the people in question are behaving in this manner deliberately. That they know full well that locking the bike to the railing will make it difficult to negotiate the stairs, that they don't care about their carbon footprint and that it is normal for staff to resist change in the workplace. But as tempting as it may be to assume deliberate defiance and recklessness it is also very likely to be wrong (unless the person/s in question has a personality disorder, but it is safe to assume these people are the exception and not the rule).
The reason we are so tempted to assume others are being defiant, recklessness, and down right obnoxious in their behaviour is that as humans we have a tendency to project our own reasoning onto others. In other words we assume that other people think like us and that because we wouldn't do those things then other people must be doing them deliberately.
When we fall into this assumption it has an unfortunate side effect, it tends to create a self-reinforcing feedback that can rapidly spiral out of control. This is because the target of your frustration very quickly realises that you are angry at them, but they don't see any reason that their behaviour should make you angry so they react with anger in turn and pretty soon you have an all out war.
So how do we prevent all out war between neighbours, community members and staff in organisations? The key is to recognise behaviour as a means of communication.
Behaviour as communication is not a new concept, in fact in education, psychology and animal behaviour circles it is almost as old as the hills. The problem is that in most instances it has not escaped the silos of these circles to make any explicit headway into the broader community. For example psychologists tend to use it to diagnose and treat patients, teachers use it to help them understand their students and animal behaviorist use it to train animals. In these instances it becomes the responsibility of the psychologist, teacher and trainer to read behaviour as a primary means of communicating something that the patient, child or animal cannot, or is not, expressing effectively.
For example 20+ years ago I worked as an impounding ranger - you know, a dog catcher. One of the first things I learned is that a dog that is barking, growling and charging at you is not actually aggressive despite the fact that many would assume this is the case. It certainly looks that way to most people. In fact, barking and growling is a behaviour that communicates that the dog is highly anxious, scared, doesn't trust that you will not hurt him and that he would like you to stay away from him at this time. In fact most dogs will do this if they cannot flee or they are defending a territory they feel safe in and don't want you to enter. The last thing you want to do in these circumstances is assume the dog is just being deliberately aggressive and come at a dog with a great big stick (or net). Its a sure way increase the dogs anxiety and get bitten.
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| This is a sure fire way to get bitten by a dog. By National Photo Company Collection - Library of CongressCatalog Image source |
As a high school teacher I have also often encountered students that will say the most disrespectful and horrible things to me with little provocation. It can be tempting to assume that these kids are doing it to deliberately to disrupt the learning. But you don't last long as a teacher if you take every word personally (the stress will kill you), instead you learn to read the outburst as a form of communication that is telling you that the student is not coping with something, i.e. they are frustrated, or anxious or even exhausted from a long day and are not capable of doing the learning you are asking them to do. Reading the behaviour as communication allows a teacher to see that in most instances the outburst is not directed at them, but is an expression of an underlying issue and may even be a cry for help. It doesn't excuse the outburst, but by reacting calmly to it, a teacher can help a student learn to regulate their emotions and it gives the teacher the opportunity to continue to work with the student to find better ways of expressing themselves next time.
So next time you find yourself tempted to blow up at someone for a behaviour that you think is deliberately antagonistic it might just pay to bite your tongue long enough to ask why they did what they did and approach the situation with a more open mind. Trust me, not getting into a confrontation is far less stressful to you in the long run than trying to put out the fire once it has started.
More on the underlying reasons for behaviour another time.
